


soulless

by roboticdisposition



Series: he was always wanting [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Blow Jobs, Emotions, Jealousy, M/M, Porn Watching, Sexuality, Unresolved Tension, and a feelings crisis, but like he doesn't know it yet, just a big fat crisis really, oh god tags i forgot im shite at this, okay so will is jealous of james and alex, so its like will has emotions but he doesn't understand them, then alex sucks him off, then he does understand them and it goes a bit to shit, there will be a part two, will has a sexuality crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 08:36:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17680094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roboticdisposition/pseuds/roboticdisposition
Summary: Maybe that was all it was though, James and Alex were just fucking. Maybe Alex was just being a lovely friend and making sure James seemed settled. Maybe Will had just lost his head entirely.The pounding ache was definitely not jealousy, despite the fact that it almost certainly was.-He just wanted to feel normal again, for everything to just return to how it was, when he didn’t think his mate was pretty and it was all okay.





	soulless

**Author's Note:**

> hello I've not written anything in just under a year but like this was fucking so much fun so part two will be coming but this was long enough as it was and I've procrastinated all my assignments for this so I will catch up then continue with this because I'm thriving. but apologies if my editing was utter shit. hope you enjoy <3

It was only when Alex left for the fourth day in a row to make sure James’ place was all kitted out did Will realise he had a problem.

He never quite realised just how much time he spent fucking around trying to get on Alex’s nerves until it was taken away from him, bit sad really, he thought to himself. Will didn’t think it had become such a habit.

It was when he rapped on Alex’s door did it dawn on him; George answered, narrowly looking at Will and his half damp hair from his earlier shower before just swinging the door open and walking back inside the flat.

“Bit rude really mate. Could at least invite me in,” Will muttered, “Something like, ‘hey, nice to see you up at a reasonable hour, why don’t you come and have some tea’.”

“Piss off, you woke me up,” George shuffled back into his room.

“Is Alex here at least? Give us someone to chat to. Only polite really if mister George Memeulous isn’t going to.”

“He’s at James’. Go bother him if you have to, some of us need to sleep,” George whined roughly, trying to shut his bedroom door behind him, only failing to do so due to Will’s foot being there instead.

“Outrageous.” Will pushed the door back open, watching as George seemingly gave up his fight and instead just fell face down onto his pillows. “Bit messy in here mate, could tidy up a bit, especially considering you’ve got visitors.”

George responded into his pillow, “I’m not tidying just for you, that’s only a little bit arrogant but I’ll forgive you if you let me sleep.”

“It’s early fella, time to rise and shine.” Will looked on as George somehow fell asleep in an instant. He felt his shoulders slump as he realised George evidently wasn’t going to provide any entertainment and as per usual lately, Alex was off out.

Will left George’s door open, just for the spite of it really, then collapsed on his sofa to flick through his phone. It took him all of five minutes to go through Twitter and then Instagram, another two to look at his abandoned emails which could wait another day before he realised he was just really fucking bored.

It wasn’t that he needed company as such, it was just that he’d sort of grown used to it. Whenever he’d finished a video or needed a bit of time away from his head he’d just impulsively come down to Alex and George’s place. He liked to think it was a change in scenery, really helped get his creative juices flowing.

Realistically, he knew that wasn’t it. Their flat looked the fucking same besides the stain of wine on a rug that just sort of appeared one day. So really, it wasn’t much of a change. It wasn’t even that he was lonely in his own flat since Gee was there, but that was just too much to think about so he didn’t bother.

It was Tuesday when James moved in and Will came downstairs to find Alex missing - something that was absolutely fine, quite nice in fact since it gave time for Will to change Alex’s laptop background to a screengrab of James Charles. Something that later got him into trouble with the man himself but something extremely funny nevertheless.

It was the Wednesday when Will felt ever so slightly lost, not that he would admit that though, not yet at least. He came down, saw George again for the second day running since really the man never left the place, realised Alex wasn’t there and thought he couldn’t really bother George for another day since he had a video to finish.

Thursday was when he caught Alex heading out, he came down after a day of catching up on errands he had planned on putting off for another week until he realised he hadn’t paid the bills for a good while. He looked forward to just sprawling out, playing a bit of Fifa, winding Alex up a bit and getting a bit tipsy while he was at it.

What actually happened was that he had a rushed two minute chat with Alex asking him how he was doing before discovering he was about to go and help paint James’ walls.

“He never bloody helped paint my walls,” Will said frowning.

George piped up from inside the flat, walking towards where Will was still stood in the open doorway, “That’s because you moved in before him, twat.”

And now it was Friday. And Will was just starting to realise maybe he relied on bugging Alex a bit more than he thought. With George asleep and Alex out another day on the trot, Will stumbled a bit for what to do.

He figured he may as well go see what he could do up in James’ flat, maybe they needed a third pair of hands, something very unlikely but the excuse made Will feel better in the head. So naturally, he shot James a message.

Will: ‘im coming to see your flat, be there in ten if not sooner’

James: ‘shouldn’t i be inviting you’

Will: ‘probably. im coming up anyway’

“I’m going then, no point sitting here if you’re not going to entertain me,” Will yelled to George as he stood up. He waited for a reply which he never got, shaking his head as he walked out, nicking Alex’s keys to lock up as he went.

When the lift dinged the sixth floor, Will jumped out a little too eagerly, strolling in an attempt to be casual to James’ place. He knocked loudly, waited ten seconds then knocked again. He heard brief shuffling behind the door just before it opened.

“That was certainly not ten minutes,” James muttered as he gestured for Will to come in.

Will ignored him, “Alright then mate? How’ve you been, nice place you’ve got here. Lovely view and all.” He strolled in, trying not to stumble when he saw Alex looking like he owned the place sprawled on some posh looking chair.

“Hey, not seen much of you lately man,” Alex looked up with a grin, a grin that somehow left Will feeling ever so slightly unsettled. A grin that told Will that perhaps this wasn’t his smartest idea.

The door slammed behind him, giving Will near heart failure.

“Sorry, my old door was a bit stiff, needed to really give it a shove to get it closed, I’m not quite used to a working one yet.” James grinned, heading over to Alex once it was shut.

“Maybe it’s just because you have big muscles, nice and big and too strong for these weedy doors,” Alex smirked, his gaze flicking between Will and James, almost teasing.

Suddenly Will thought he might’ve walked in on something and desperately wanted to leave.

“Mm perhaps, I am a big man after all,” James grinned looking directly at Will.

Alex grabbed hold of his arm as James walked past him, failing in his attempt to drag him back to sit with him. “He’s been working out, haven’t you James?”

Will randomly felt the need to interject, “I have too lately - I’m there all the time me. Getting those big arms and all.”

“Bigger than Alex’s at least,” James added, finally caving, allowing himself to be dragged back on this oddly posh chair with Alex.

“Hey - that’s not fair. I am also a big man. Look at these here muscles, nice and big.” Alex protested, whining slightly as he was at it.

Will choked a laugh, feeling rather overwhelmed at whatever he had walked in on.

“I could squash you and your big muscles,” James said simply, directing his point at Alex but staring at Will as the words left his mouth.

Will felt just a bit threatened, but only a bit.

“No need, I’ll do whatever you want regardless. No squashing required.” Alex kicked his legs up onto James lap.

“If you did what I wanted, you would leave your feet off me.”

Will couldn’t help but feel irked by how fast Alex moved his feet. He’d never listened to him like that - not that he wanted him to, he thought. It was just a shock. He felt as though the air was swiftly leaving his lungs, bit by bit until his chest was tight and James’ smirky smile felt taunting.

“Well then lads, guess I’ll be off then. Lots to do and all that, lovely flat and all, nice to see you and your big muscles, James-”

“Excuse me, what about my big muscles? How dare you.” Alex mocked, curling his arm and rolling his sleeve up, “See, they’re huge.”

“Yes, lovely them. Nice and big.” Will nodded, finding it hard to breathe, especially considering the way that James’ hand was now gently stroking Alex’s thigh. “Best head out now though, now that we’ve all established we are nice big men.”

“I think James is the only real big man here.” Now Alex was smirking, Will briefly wondered how he had ended up here.

“Thank you. See Will, Alex has declared the official big man.”

“Hold your fucking horses, I can also be a big man-” Will shook his head, shocked by his own words really, “Since when did this become a competition.”

“It didn’t.” James cleared his throat, smiling big and bright, almost mockingly.

“Right.” Will nodded, very out of his comfort zone. He just wanted to rile Alex up a bit, have a bit of a chat and whatever, catch up with his mate since it’d been a while yet somehow he was losing breath and he couldn’t quite keep up with the direction of this conversation.

“Nice to see you though Will, you’ll have to pop over at some point-” Alex beamed, before abruptly being cut off.

“I have popped over Alex, thank you very much. You haven’t been there!” Will exclaimed, “This is outrageous.”

“Alex, can you pass me my laptop,” James said as if the conversation had just been declared over.

“Best be off then lads, leave you to all this.” Will quickly muttered, scurrying out of the flat with a slam of the door equal to James’ earlier. He was just trying to prove he was a big man, after all, he tried to reason.

He stomped downstairs, feeling too fidgety for the lift and rather confused about what he’d managed to invite himself into. It may have been the most overwhelming five minutes of his life and nothing even really happened.

It really didn’t make sense.

It was almost like James was trying to edge him on and Alex was just lounging there teasing. He couldn’t help but feel distressed. Whatever they were doing or trying to achieve purely messed with Will’s head. He just wanted to wind Alex up for Christ’s sake, but it seemed it was the other way round for a change.

It was safe to say Will didn’t like it one bit.

\--

Somehow Will ended up back with George, it was swiftly dawning on him that he was truly terrible at being left alone. Or maybe he was just moping. Whatever it was he didn’t like it. 

“Since when have you become absolute shit at Fifa. Who even are you,” George commented when Will somehow managed to lose three games in a row. His mind was off elsewhere, wondering why the fuck he cared so much that Alex had abandoned him.

Not even abandoned. That was the worst bit. It wasn’t even purposeful, Alex had sort of just left him floundering. And Will didn’t understand why he couldn’t just take up bugging George instead. It was just as fun of a hobby, he was just as infuriating, but it just - something grated him.

“Fuck off.” Will returned kicking his feet up on the coffee table, vividly remembering how Alex rested his on James’ leg - for the brief moment he allowed him to at least.

He just wished he could fucking understand why he cared so much. They’re all mates anyway, the rousing energy in his chest when he thought about James and Alex was just unsettling, that was all.

“I need a shag me,” Will muttered, chucking the controller on the table and tossing his legs over George’s lap instead.

Part of him hoped he’d kick them off like James did - just so he’d feel like he was drowning in the same water, but he didn’t. George just sat there, phone in hand with Will’s feet in his lap

Since when had he become so bloody obsessed with feet.

“Go get one then.”

“Maybe I just need to get a bit of drink down me, that does the trick too. Much less effort as well.” George hummed and Will reconsidered, “Go get me one will you?” 

“No you dick, I’m busy.”

Will sighed rather dramatically, “You and that bloody phone, bet you’ve got some lovely hot lass on the side who you’re not sharing with us.”

George gave him a death stare, a harsh one at that, especially given the fact he’s a rather small man. “Why are you in such a pissy mood, what’s gotten into you.”

“I wish I fucking knew mate,” Will snapped, his fingers twitching, something centring around James and Alex was just continually winding him up and he didn’t know why.

In the end, he went to get a drink himself, he couldn’t keep going over all the bullshit in his head which didn’t make any sense or give any logical reasoning as to why he felt like he did, yet somehow it was all going a bit wrong anyway. 

He found a lovely big unopened bottle of rum, pouring out what he assumed was a shots worth into a mug due to the lack of clean cups. Then he poured another which he downed before making a rum-heavy rum and coke.

He was finally starting to think he was off on the right track, he’d just get a bit tipsy, get comfortable in George’s flat - since he supposed Alex wasn’t exactly claiming his half right now - and get whatever is going on in his head out of it.

Yet when he walked back in to collapse with George, James was lounging in his recently vacated spot with Alex between his legs on the floor.

It was lucky Will didn’t drop his mug.

“Hey Will,” James waved, “Thought you’d gone home?”

“Oh, uh… no? George wanted company so here I am.”

“Since when did I-” George tried to interrupt.

“Ah, nice, we came back down since we’ve been trying and failing to get my bed up for the last few days and my back’s been a bit sore on the floor so Alex said I could crash here.”

Will gritted his teeth and clenched his mug, he didn’t know why, but he did. “Course mate, sorry about the back, pain that is.”

He tried not to focus on the whole ‘we’ thing, since when were James and Alex a ‘we’. Since when did it make Will’s skin crawl.

“Could you get us a drink too?” Alex finally piped up, his hair looked a bit messy, Will felt a bit dubious. He took the opportunity nevertheless and headed into the kitchen to get more drinks, he also took the opportunity to calm himself after the events of the last few minutes.

His head was racing, his legs were moving without his say and he didn’t understand why. His hands clung to the counter as he tried to establish nothing was wrong, everyone was good and it was just a night in with the lads.

Shame it didn’t work though.

George was walking through then, catching Will’s arm and trying to bring him into a hug. Will battered him off, fighting against his random instinct to just curl into him and have a bit of a cry.

“What’s going on with you mate, looked like you were having a fucking breakdown in there. And why did you say I needed company, I’ve been sleeping for most of the day until you woke me up for the second time.”

“I don’t know man - what’s been going on with Alex lately.” Will tried to sound collected and completely unbothered but by the suspicious look on George’s face, he wasn’t as composed as he thought he was.

“He’s just been helping James deck out his place-”

“What, every fucking day? He’s spending like 12 hours with the guy, I don’t even spend that long here.” Will managed to finish making the drinks, completely avoiding looking George in the eye for fear of what he was going to say.

“You’re jealous aren’t you, what of is another matter but that’s what this is about, isn’t it?”

“Piss off you,” Will felt very defensive, he didn’t like George working out his emotions before he could himself. “I am not. I’m just- I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“No.” George replied quickly, obviously sensing Will’s discomfort, “Here let us help take them in.” He took the bottles of beer they all wanted back to the front room, Will could feel his pulse rising as George’s words ate his core.

“I’m just going to pop the loo, don’t nick me drink.” Will avoided everyone's eyes as he shoved his mug down on the coffee table, only spilling a bit, before quickly making his way to the bathroom.

He just needed a bit of space to breathe. A bit of space where George wasn’t going to analyse him before he could analyse himself. It was all just a bit weird. He didn’t really understand what was going on, all he knew was he felt fucking lonely and out of routine and he didn’t like it.

It wasn’t as though there weren’t people there - Alex was even there for Christ’s sake, that should’ve been the main point. He was there sat in front of him ready to be irritated by Will but something just felt off.

The atmosphere with James made Will’s head spin, he couldn’t understand what they were doing. They’d always been a bit flirty, Will thought it was a wonder they hadn’t shagged yet - unless they had. His stomach sunk, it didn’t matter what was going on, besides the fact that something felt wrong.

Maybe that was all it was though, James and Alex were just fucking. Maybe Alex was just being a lovely friend and making sure James seemed settled. Maybe Will had just lost his head entirely.

Whatever it was made him feel sick. He knew the churning deep in his stomach had nothing to do with the alcohol, but instead everything to do with whatever was going on in the front room.

He knew deep down George was right, not that he would ever admit that. The pounding ache was definitely not jealousy, despite the fact that it almost certainly was. Alex was just spending a bit more time with James, of course he was after just moving in and all, and that was okay. Will tried to convince himself.

Once James was all nice and settled and Will could get himself sorted, it would all go back to how it was and he can go straight back to being the bane of Alex’s existence again. And it’d all be fine.

\--

It was three hours later when Will realised how utterly wrong he was. It was getting late and Will’s chest had finally begun to let him breathe again after a nice non-challenging chat with James and a bit of mocking over how little Alex could drink before he was done for. It was all going well.

Then James and Alex headed off to bed, together. It felt like a snake was trying to constrict Will’s throat, wrapping tight like a spring, his mouth was dry and worn when he called out goodnight to the pair who jovially smiled back.

James’ hand on Alex’s back was what really made Will realise he was fucked. He felt an overwhelming desire to throw up. James herded Alex into his room, gently shutting the door behind him, a complete juxtaposition to the door in James’ flat earlier.

“You look a bit green mate,” George spouted out gently, sensing the tension radiating off Will. “Do you want a bucket, the rug doesn’t need any more stains.”

Will just shook his head, he felt somewhat paralysed for absolutely no reason, just a fucking hand. The thing was, it wasn’t just a hand really. It was Alex, and it was James, and the more time went on the more Will realised he was naive to think there was nothing going on between the two.

He’d heard the jokes over and over, watched their flirty tricks in videos - even partook in some, so it wasn’t like he was numb to the idea, he just wasn’t expecting to see it so glaring in front of his eyes.

Not that it mattered, of course. He was just surprised, that was why he was struggling to get air into his lungs. Surprise. Shock - whatever you wanted to call it.

Something must’ve been going on and that was fine. Absolutely fine. Will was happy for them, wished them well and all that. The only problem was that seconds after he established that in his head, he was rushing to the bathroom and falling to his knees, clinging onto the toilet bowl as he threw up.

“Here’s a drink,” George passed him from the door once Will had finished retching, “Water, I mean.”

“Thanks mate, sorry. Least it’s not on the rug?” Will said lifelessly, his shoulders slouched as he sipped the water.

George joined him and sat on the floor, nice of him really, “Yeah, true. Hope you’re good though, been a bit of a day.”

“Yeah, guess so... Alex and James then?” Will asked weakly, spitting into the loo one final time before leaning against the wall for support.

“Yeah, new development or something, they seem flirtier than usual.” George hummed in agreement. “More like - more together, it’s weird.”

“Is rather.” Will nodded, trying desperately hard not to let the confirmation empty the rest of his stomach. He clung to the sink and eventually stood up, looking at how pale he looked in the mirror before herding them both out the bathroom.

“You alright then now?” George asked, taking his water back to the kitchen.

“Absolutely grand I am, just perfect.”

\--

It took until Monday for Will to realise he was anything but grand and most certainly not perfect.

After Friday’s developments, he felt it best to just stay in hiding. He didn’t venture out and he definitely didn’t visit Alex, or James or George for that matter.

He realised that whatever was going on with him would just drift off and become nothing, as things did. Yet now it’d been three days and his head would not give it a rest.

Will’s mind was consumed by images of James and Alex, replays of what he walked in on the other day in James’ flat, the way Alex sat between his legs when they were with George, whatever they did when they went to bed. Everything. And it was fine. Absolutely fine. Besides the ripping in his chest that had now become constant.

It was just that he missed him, really. That was all. His little routine of finishing up with videos or emails and admin, then heading downstairs to Alex and George for the evenings was just a bit out of kilter and whatever he had been doing the past week hadn’t been helping.

So instead, Will formed a new routine - at least attempted to. He got Gee to help him do a mammoth spring tidy, warranting her to check if he was burning up due to it being so out of character. He managed to catch up with emails, sorted out a sponsor and planned out three videos.

It should’ve all been going well. Then Alex’s name popped up on his phone.

Alex: ‘been a while mate, can I come up’

Will’s fingers were typing without direction or thought and before he knew it he’d sent a reply. He felt a bit desperate, he supposed perhaps he was.

Will: ‘course, come whenever, be nice to see you man’

He then spent the next five minutes both amping himself up and calming himself down. He was a bit torn, only a bit. But he wasn’t lying that it really would be nice to see him.

After the disaster which wasn’t really a disaster on Friday, he hadn’t seen the man, and considering he’d been with James the week before, this could mean it would all go back to normal.

That was until James showed up on the doorstep right alongside Alex.

“Hey, James fancied popping along too, hope that’s all alright mate,” Alex said cheerfully, immediately inviting himself in with James following in toe.

“Course, why wouldn’t it be,” Will shut the door behind him, trying not to let the disappointment appear visible on his face, although the look James gave him proved his disappointment was loud and clear.

He didn’t know why he cared so much, it’d be alright if he could just understand what was going on in his head, but he couldn’t. His thoughts were consumed by Alex and James and even George and how things felt so tangled when they weren’t.

Alex collapsed on Will’s sofa, hogging the blanket he’d forgot to move after he fell asleep there last night. “How’ve you been then? Anything exciting going on lately.”

“Not much really, been a bit lonely lately-”

“You could always come and see us,” James chirped up, sounding awfully happy about the arrangement, “Alex knocked a nail in straight earlier, you should come and admire his hard work.”

Will couldn’t establish whether James was just being James and not realising what was going on, or whether all these smirks and hidden smiles and all of the teasing actually amounted to something. He couldn’t help but feel it was the latter. Either way, Will couldn’t help but feel just a bit pissed.

He couldn’t care if Alex and James were a thing in reality, but he did sort of care that he wasn’t having his allotted Alex time so he could proper mither him. It just wasn’t fair really, that was all.

“Absolutely, sure I will.” Will tried to grin back, instantly feeling the need to go and lie down with the intensity of the atmosphere Alex and James had somehow brought with them.

“James will you go and get us a drink, Will must have something in, king of alcohol and all that.” Alex smiled, kicking his feet up and covering his little toes with the blanket.

Will almost protested, claiming he could go and get the drinks and get everything sorted for them, but he couldn’t quite find it in himself to move.

“You been alright then fella?” Will said, claiming the spot next to Alex’s feet on the left, picking up the remote to turn the TV down a bit. Whatever crisis he was currently having didn’t need to be assisted by a dodgy quiz show in the background.

“Yeah great actually. Me and James headed out earlier, showed him round Canary and all that now that he’s right on the doorstep. We got him a nice coffee table since he’s currently shoving everything on the floor - that was nice. Oh, and he got me this jumper, yeah, since I kept nicking his all the time, I should’ve brought it.” Alex smiled, completely unaware of Will’s current breakdown.

“I bet it’s lovely, always look good in a jumper you do” He gritted his teeth, he didn’t really know what he expected, but Alex gushing about James wasn’t really it. “Is his flat nearly ready then?”

Before Will could get an answer, James was calling out from the kitchen, apparently trying and failing to find anything to drink. “I’ll come look,” Alex returned, hopping up like a bloody rabbit to rush into the kitchen and help.

“It’s my kitchen,” Will murmured to no one as he rubbed at his eyes. The frustration building throughout his limbs was just getting a bit too much, he didn’t know what he was doing. He just missed his mate, but it just felt so intense, constantly.

When Will heard Alex’s raucous giggle coming from the next room, he really did consider jumping up and doing something about it - not that he knew what. Just anything really. He wasn’t happy, which was a bit of an understatement. He didn’t understand why he was tearing himself up over nothing.

“You good in there lads?” Will called out, not wanting to feel left out in his own bloody flat.

“Yeah, why do you have WKD in here-”

“It’s Gee’s alright?” He snapped back, not sure why he was feeling so pissy. It wasn’t even like he could leave and go see George or go to bed or just anything to get away from this.

“Don’t get yourself in a twist I was just asking,” Alex called back, still sounding drunk off laughter alone.

Will’s throat was constricting again, as it so often did nowadays whenever Alex was involved. He just wanted a bit of fucking peace, for things to get back to normal, for his head to stop obsessing over Alex for just a moment.

“On second thought, bring it in,” Will established; if he had to deal with his head sober, he could deal with it drunk. That was always better.

\--

It didn’t take long for Will to become entirely too hammered for anyone's good. He was clinging to the arm of the sofa like he was on the Titanic while it sank, his head was spinning and the tightness that started in his throat had slowly started to attack his chest and stomach too.

It was partly to do with the fact that Alex was perching on James’ lap, his arm flung carelessly around his shoulder and his legs hanging over his thigh, or maybe it was completely to do with that. He was too drunk to analyse.

Will didn’t realise he could feel lonelier with company than he could without. He just felt fucking pissed, he thought Alex was inviting himself over for a catch-up, a game or whatever and then that’d be that. What he got instead was a giant fuck off sign that said ‘we are boyfriends’ metaphorically hanging over Alex and James’ heads.

Whether they were or not was still a bit of an unknown, but by this point, Will had taken that as fact and as time went on progressively felt more pissed over it.

He thought him and Alex were mates, he thought he’d tell him whatever was going on - he always used to. They’d laugh about shit hook-ups and complain about the price of takeaways despite the fact they’d continue to order them regularly, they’d mock each other's posts and that’d be them sorted.

But now all that just vanished and all Alex was offering him was a backseat view to his relationship that Will couldn’t help but feel frustrated by.

“I think I’ll be off to bed.” Will slurred, not even trying to hide how fucked he felt.

“Oh,” Alex perked up, as if he just remembered Will existed, “Are you sure? We’re only halfway through the movie.”

Will let himself consider it, but when he spotted James’ smirk and the hand he’d just curled tight around Alex’s waist, he wanted nothing more than to run off and bury his head in a pillow.

“No, need an early night me, been a bit busy lately-”

“Thought there wasn’t much going on, you said?” James cut in, his eyebrows doing a fucking dance again that made Will want to scream and squirm, really both at the same time.

“I’m just tired alright? I’ll see you tomorrow, stay over if you want.” Will dragged himself to his feet, only looking back once to grab his drink, feeling numb when he saw James’ eyes stuck on his own and Alex paying him no attention at all.

It was when he’d managed to get all his limbs under his covers did he realise maybe George was right on Friday and he was just being a jealous prick. Just in the fact that he missed Alex and James just so happened to be hogging him. That was all. But even still, Will couldn’t help but feel the tearing in his lungs didn’t really add up to just a bit of jealousy.

He was just pissed. Pissed over nothing, he shouldn’t be pissed, nothing was wrong. But everything felt so horrifically fucked in his head he couldn’t stop it whirring.

Will caught himself replaying Alex over and over again in his head, watching all his little mannerisms, finding a drunk grin on his face when he visualised Alex nearly falling headfirst over his own feet earlier purely because he was trying to fight his corner that he was an inch taller than everyone believed.

He felt his chest relax bit by bit as he ran through how utterly horrified Alex was when he spilt something down his pink top, how he tried to steal Will’s drink and ended up having a coughing fit and how very unimpressed he was when he ran out of his favourite beer.

Whatever Will’s drunk fuzzy head could get its paws on played through his mind, a fleeting thought rushed through his head just before he let his eyes shut for good, that maybe he was more fucked than he could’ve imagined.

\--

When he woke up, he tried to think of every justifiable reason as to why Alex was lying next to him, body on top of the sheets as he slept, his fingers clutching the duvet as he breathed heavily.

Will was coming up blank.

He really tried to understand why he was there, why he couldn’t remember it happening, why he looked so gentle and soft - his head was going far quicker than he could comprehend this time in the morning.

All that made sense was that the pink of Alex’s lips looked soft and pretty and the fluffy mess his hair had turned into looked adorable - that was when Will sort of broke.

He really sort of liked him, didn’t he? It was like, all the pieces of a horrible jigsaw fell together, and Will couldn’t breathe.

He desperately tried to deny it, his head running through thousands and thousands of excuses as to why it just wasn’t true, but it had clicked. That was it. Will felt every inch of his skin itch with nerve endings he didn’t know existed.

The panic rose in his throat, the realisation that there was something Will felt towards Alex made it feel like his bones were crumbling; he wasn’t gay. He had never been with a bloke, never fancied a bloke, never even looked at one twice. But suddenly he was lying here with the pounding in his head as proof of his feelings.

His body shot backwards, narrowly avoiding falling out of bed. He couldn’t be near Alex, not really. He just needed his head to process this, he didn’t know if he was ever going to, but he rather needed to try.

He couldn’t feel his fingers when he quietly lifted the bedsheets and tried to climb out of bed, but Will felt every nerve shoot flames up to his chest when Alex’s hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.

Alex mumbled something, still sounding drunk and asleep. Will just needed to fucking breathe.

He tried to pull away again, his body lurching backwards as he tried to escape something that made him feel like he was crashing hard against a harsh cliff face.

“No, stay.” Will heard gently, making his heart rate skyrocket for absolutely no reason.

Alex’s voice sounded sleepy and gentle and Will wanted to get out of there, but he couldn't. He felt frozen, glued to the mattress with his eyes locked onto Alex’s face, his eyes still shut with his eyelashes fluttering.

“Oh,” Will felt his breath disappear through his words, feeling awfully soft and unsettled with a strong desire to run away.

“What?” Alex stuttered, his eyes finally breaking open, piercing into Will’s like fucking lasers - Will couldn’t help but feel rather ill.

He tried not to choke on his own saliva, “Nothing, uh, why are you here?”

“I was tired?” Alex responded meekly, stretching his legs out. Will broke his gaze away to watch his body shiver.

“Here,” Will lifted the half of the duvet he was under and folded it over Alex, to which he immediately curled up. His chest pulsing like it was about to erupt, just a bit, “That’s better.”

“I think I drank too much,” Alex whispered, his eyes closing as he burrowed himself under the sheets, “Feel slightly dodgy.”

Will’s breath caught, he still didn’t understand why Alex was here, but if he’s as hungover as he looks, it appears it must’ve been a move tinted with alcohol. He didn’t know if that made it better or worse.

“Don’t throw up on me sheets,” Will muttered slowly, his head was a bit full of other things. Things that involved realising he fucking fancied his mate - a bloke.

“I won’t.” Alex tucked his head into the pillow, Will just watched on hopelessly - he could feel his lungs tighten and pull his ribs together taunt.

He didn’t want to just lie there staring at Alex, but it appeared that was all his body was capable of. The tinted redness to his cheeks made Will’s head spin. He didn’t understand how he’d ended up here. He just wanted to feel normal again, for everything to just return to how it was, when he didn’t think his mate was pretty and it was all okay.

“Where did James go?” Will blurted out, as if he only just remembered the other man’s existence. It was like the tiny bubble he was in for the ten minutes he’d been awake had popped and reality had begun to set in. His head was pounding and his body felt heavy and he was well and truly fucked.

Why was Alex in his bed, why had Will lost his head, where had James gone and how did this end up like this.

“He left, I was lonely.”

“You were-” Will started, realising he didn’t really know where he was going, but powered on nonetheless, “You were fucking lonely, so you came in here?” He couldn’t figure out whether he was utterly confused at the man's logic or just purely pissed off.

After he decided it was the latter, he clenched his fists and tugged at his hair, rolling onto his back in the process. The instant James left, Alex just returned back to Will’s side, as if nothing ever happened, as if he could just pretend it was all normal.

And maybe it was normal, but the way Will felt about it all was anything but. He just didn’t fucking understand. He didn’t understand his head and his emotions and why he’d all of a sudden decided he wanted something more with his mate and why James had just suddenly vanished - none of it fucking made sense anymore.

“Yeah, missed you,” Alex said under his breath. Will wished he hadn’t heard.

“You’ve had chance to see me mate,” he exclaimed, his body feeling fuzzy as the words just sort of came out, “I’ve been lurking in your fucking flat for the last week. It’s not like I’ve not been here, I fucking have. It’s like - it’s like for the last week you’ve been superglued to James’ side. And that’s fucking fine-”

“I haven’t-” Alex tried to interrupt, voice soft and croaky.

“I’m sorry mate but you have, and as I said, that’s absolutely fucking great. But you can’t say you missed me when I’ve been here - I went to see you at James’ I did, but you just flirted in front of me like I wasn’t there.”

“I knew you were there. I wanted you to see.”

“See fucking what mate? See my two mates make flirty tension for ten minutes straight - just what I wanted.” Will finished with a huff, his chest felt heavy and the air was tinged with something unsettling.

“I’m not with James… never have been.” Alex opened his eyes, gaining the energy to look at him, “You know how it is, he’s a flirt-”

“I know that.”

“Well evidently you don’t,” Alex snapped back, “I don’t know what you think is going on but there’s nothing.”

“You’ve been with him every day this week man, come on-”

“And I’ve been with you every day every week before, doesn’t mean we’re fucking or whatever you thought was going on.”

Will’s head felt absolutely ready to burst, it was only a Tuesday morning and he was already fucked.

He didn’t know whether to focus on the fact he’d finally accepted there was something going on with James an Alex and now suddenly there wasn’t, or whether the fact that the idea of fucking Alex made his stomach heat up, so much so he felt rather sick.

“I’m going to get a drink,” Will stated after they’d lay there for a bit longer, still unsure why Alex was in his room.

He waited for a response before moving, only to find that Alex’s eyes were shut, his lashes brushing against Will’s pillow, his cheek pressed hard against the fabric and soft breaths gently leaving his lips.

Will forced himself to leave the room, sit on his sofa with a bloody strong coffee and get his life together, whatever it took.

\--

It was Friday when Will realised he didn’t find the idea of sleeping with a bloke as scary as he initially thought.

Since Tuesday both everything and nothing had changed.

Alex and James were still hanging out, flirty as ever, although Will now often woke up to Alex crashed on his sofa. It was an unsettling development, but a nice one at that.

Other than that Will had only had three breakdowns in that timeframe - something he was rather proud of really all things considered.

It sort of felt like his world was collapsing around him and slowly crushing his limbs, but he was trying to deal with that. He spent Wednesday being really fucking scared over everything really, Thursday was a trial of accepting he wanted to bum his mate a bit more than he probably should, and this morning was better, not perfect, but he’d take what he could get.

Will was struggling to accept that out of nowhere it dawned on him he wanted Alex, so he dealt with the gay part first - or bi, he concluded in the end. If Alex wasn’t at the centre of this dramatic issue, he would’ve consulted him instead regarding his slight sexuality crisis, but he was, so he turned to Google.

Google wasn’t very helpful though, it turned out. Will didn’t really know why he thought it would be, but it wasn’t. He did establish he was bi though; he still fancied tits, so he thought that put him in good stead. Unless he was just straight with a bit of a man crush, that was entirely possible, although deep down he knew he was just convincing himself of a lie.

Regardless, in terms of figuring how not to freak out over sexuality, Google was just bullshit. He knew he had to just ‘take his time’ and ‘not get too ahead of himself’ - but in practice, it was a load of bollocks.

He ended up on a porn site. God knows how that was where he ended up, but he did. A gay one, at that. Although his fingers were trembling as he scrolled through the homepage, there was no way he could stop.

It was like he was running on autopilot before he knew it he was clicking on a trending topic through hazy eyes and shaky breaths. Then he was desperately turning his volume down as no one needed to hear the devastating moans of the lads on the screen at full volume.

His whole demeanour was just completely stuck, watching as the small bloke’s eyes rolled back, clutching onto the guy who had his lips curled around his cock, tight and red. Will was completely frozen, watching as the man had the pleasure sucked straight out of him, his whole body going tense before finally collapsing onto the bed.

Before he knew it, the video was over. A fucking fifteen-minute video just over in an instant and Will could feel his heart racing and his cock twitching and then he was clicking onto another one.

Two minutes into the video Will’s hand unconsciously slipped into his joggers and tightened around his cock, his body radiated tension as he tugged himself off in time with the moans on his laptop.

His thighs were twitching as he tugged his joggers down to his knees, eyes stuck big and blurry on the monitor, his other hand snaking down to tug at his balls, feeling white hot sparks through his stomach as the man on the screen found his release.

Will leant back, his mind fucked and hazy and confused - everything felt so warm, almost on fire, and before he had time to tug his shirt up out the way he came hard. His breaths were harsh and violent as the silence of his surroundings sunk in after his head finally stopped pounding.

He cursed into the stillness, everything feeling so out of place. He wiped himself up as best he could before the panic set in, his eyes were clenched shut, as if opening them would make things real. His knees were tucked up to his chest as he somehow found himself on his bed. He couldn’t breathe.

It was fucking weird, realising he was maybe not as straight as he thought.

His brain was on overdrive, flicking through every single second of each video and how desperation was crawling out of his chest like thousands of tiny ants. The roughness of how they responded to each other made Will’s arms clench around himself, it was too much, too real.

It took a while for his breathing to calm down, eventually establishing that perhaps it was okay. Perhaps he could be bi, and things wouldn't change. Perhaps he’d figure out how to deal with it. Perhaps the flickering images and horrifying thoughts of how badly he wanted it all would leave him alone. Perhaps it’d be okay.

\--

The next day James showed up, 9am on his doorstep, looking fresh as a daisy when Will was clinging to a jumper he hadn’t quite managed to put on yet. He felt his heart catapult up his throat. 

“Oh, hey mate, what’re you doing here?” Will asked suspiciously, keeping the door open with his foot as his half-asleep limbs finally cooperated in getting the jumper over his head.

Next thing he knew, James was inside the flat, “Just fancied coming to see you really, my flats sorted now, for the most part at least and there’s no uni today so I just thought I’d come say hello.”

“Ah, right. That’s nice of you,” Will said, still utterly confused; he just wished something would make sense for once.

It wasn’t that he was scared of James - it was just that, maybe he was. He didn’t know what to say to the man, he didn’t know what do say to anyone really after everything in his head clicked together. He fucking got off to gay porn yesterday, it was just - it was all a bit much.

James grinned, ending up rabbiting on about uni work as he got settled on the sofa and Will composed himself.

He was listening, he was, he was just a bit preoccupied, thoughts of everything he couldn’t process flew through his head, it made him a bit dizzy.

He still hadn’t figured out what Alex meant the other night when he said there was nothing with James and him because there really did seem to be something there. And then it entered the question if there was something there why would Alex lie to him - at least if he was honest Will could deal with it.

Or maybe he was honest and Will was just going fucking mental.

“So… where's Alex then mate?” Will butted in, wincing as he did so, realising how utterly needy he currently sounded.

James smirked, that fucking signature smirk that just so happened every time Alex was involved. It made Will want to curl up, just a bit. “He had a bit of a late one last night, helping me with some curtains and all that, I think he went back home, unless he came here?”

Will completely ignored any implication of his words in return for being snarky. He could be forgiven, it was early, the knock on his door rudely awakened him before his body was ready, “Does he actually want to help you mate, seems you’ve acquired a bit of a helper there.”

“He’s the one that keeps offering, lovely little hands he has, doesn’t he-”

“Yeah, lovely.” Will snapped, feeling fidgety to his core.

“You doing alright Will?” James asked, innocently enough but that bloody twitch in his brow said it all.

Will sighed, rubbing his eyes, “Not really mate, is there something going on with you and him? You can just fucking tell me, you know.”

“Whatever would give you that impression-”

“That fact that you can’t keep your hands off each other, the fact that he’s constantly at yours, so much so that it’s like he’s moved in with you, the fact that the only time I’ve seen him lately is glued to your side and just… I don’t know James, I just - I don’t know.”

“So you’ve finally realised you like him then?”

Will’s eyes snapped up to meet James’, he felt the blood drain out of his body and the fight to deny it flare up in him.

“Bloody took you long enough-”

“I don’t,” Will stuttered, fearing his legs might give out.

James’ face softened, “I think you sort of do, and that’s okay-”

“I don’t know what you’re on about James.”

“I’ve been a dick lately, for weeks it’s been obvious you like him, you’ve been flirting left right and centre-” James kicked back against the sofa, an arm looped around the back.

“I haven’t been doing anything of the sort,” Will’s body was tense and absolutely terrified, he wasn’t really sure what was going on here but he didn’t like it.

“Right, if you say so.” James appeared unconvinced, “The point is, I’ve been trying to kick you into touch and you’re just not getting it.”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to get at here but I’m not doing anything with your boyfriend, if that’s what you’re thinking-”

James laughed, “He’s not my boyfriend, never has been.” His words echoed Alex’s and Will couldn’t really breathe, “I’m not accusing you of anything, it was just like… you’re pretty obvious when you want to shag someone so when I was pumped with a sturdy amount of alcohol I thought I’d help you along.”

“I really don’t know what you’re on about mate-”

“You want to fuck Alex,” James stated, as if that was nothing, as if it hadn’t been exactly what was tearing Will up inside for the last God knows how long.

Will tried to deny it, his mouth opening to form the words but failing to create any sound.

“It’s alright man, you look so scared-”

“I am rather, if you must know.” Will found his voice, although it cracked in the middle.

“There’s nothing to worry about, it’s not like the world will fall apart just because you want to shag him.”

“Kind of feels that way, at the moment,” Will felt the fight drain out of him, his body going limp as he edged his way to the sofa to at least sit down for whichever direction this chat was going in.

James put his arm on Will’s shoulder, his expression gentle “You’re alright mate, promise. I didn’t mean to shake you, I just didn’t think it was fair to keep playing up the banter with me and Alex just so you’d figure your shit out. It seems you have now though - thanks to me, I might add.” James smirked, trying to make a joke.

“Let me get this straight,” Will sighed, “You realised I was flirting - supposedly, which for the record I never did, so you decided you’d shove your own flirting in my face to make me realise?”

“I mean-” James looked slightly confused, reflecting perfectly how Will was feeling, “I mean, I guess so. I didn’t mean it like that though-”

“No, I know.” Will surrendered, still not fully understanding what was happening, “Sorry, just a bit… I don’t know. It’s been a long week.”

“You’re telling me,” James’ grinned at him, seemingly pleased with how his master plan had worked out, not that Will understood it, but maybe once he’d woken up a bit more and managed to process more than the accusation of wanting to shag his mate, then it’d sink in.

“I didn’t mean to make you all - all whatever this is,” James commented softly, “It was just like, I tried to get through to Alex and he wasn’t having it, seems like you aren’t either though, but the tension between you is like fucking ready to burst.”

Will’s breath stuttered in his throat, “You spoke to Alex about this?”

“Oh,” James looked up, gazing out the window, “Yeah, he clings to you like a fucking limpet - if you’ve not noticed the way he looks at you then you’ve gone mad.”

“You’re just fucking winding me up, it’s not very nice mate,” Will’s hands were sweating and it felt like he was crumbling again, a reoccuring theme in his life lately, something he could really do without.

“I’m not, but if that makes it easier to believe then that’s okay,” James said gently, “I just knew you had a jealous streak-”

“I have nothing of the sort, me,” Will denied, rather lifelessly. He knew he did, the past two weeks were living proof.

James hummed, “Okay then… I just sort of thought if you thought something was going on with me and Alex then you’d realise whatever you’ve been suppressing apparently for the last God knows how long.”

“Oh,” Will couldn’t really feel his legs, or his arms for that matter, “So did Alex know what was going on then?”

“Nah, he’s clingy and cuddly enough to go along with anything,” James said, letting it hang in the air as Will tried to process whatever the fuck this meant.

He didn’t understand really, it was like everything was jumbled and there was just so much in his head. Apparently it was obvious to James he wanted something with Alex - did that mean Alex knew and George and everyone had been understanding his feelings before he could.

Will just didn’t get it. Any of it. He opened his mouth to try and ask how James knew, but he didn’t really want to know the answer when it boiled down to it. Maybe he didn’t need to know, maybe he didn’t need to understand his head, maybe he could pretend none of this was happening.

It was barely twelve hours since he’d accepted he wasn't really the pure definition of straight, this was one too much, too soon. He just - he needed to process, and it was early, and he couldn’t think straight.

“Did you want to hang around then mate? Not been much going on with me lately considering you’ve nicked Alex from me,” Will sighed, realising he wasn’t going to crack the code to his own head any time soon.

“I haven’t nicked anyone-”

“You just admitted you played it up - or whatever, I don't know… It’s early. Couldn’t you have come in an hours time?” He whined.

“I can leave if you want me to,” James said, brows furrowing, “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Nah mate, may as well stay for a bit, unless you want to run off back to Alex-”

“I was trying to help!” James interrupted, Will looked up and for the first time in a week or so, he didn’t want to punch the guy. That was something. At least now he understood.

“I appreciate it, I think.” Will tried to smile, wincing instead, “Did you want a game while you’re here, or a drink… I can make tea?”

“You couldn’t make tea to save your life-”

“Oi, I very much can, I make Alex tea.”

“He has shit taste in tea, too milky. How about I make it, you set Fifa up, and we’ll clear the air.”

Will nodded slowly, watching James leave the room to go find a teabag. Maybe he was still confused, and maybe he still didn’t understand what James was doing, and maybe Will realised he didn’t have a personal vengeance against James after all.

Maybe it would be okay.

\--

And it was okay, all things considered. It was going absolutely great. Until it wasn’t.

It was Wednesday, nice and calm and uneventful. He’d been round Alex and George’s the night before, even with James, and for the first time in a while, he could safely say he had a good night. There was no frustration, no raging jealousy, no outrageous flirting - it was good.

Ever since James had visited, Will had allowed himself to actually consider what he said, and whatever he was trying to get through to him had eventually sunk through the sturdy layer of denial he was trying to keep up. He sort of just - he liked the bloke, and that was finally sinking it, despite how much it panicked him to the core.

He realised maybe he was jealous of James and Alex even when there was nothing going on - he thought there was though, and that was sort of the point. He knew that now.

That realisation combined with how utterly devastating watching the lad suck the guy off the other night just lead to Will’s head overflowing with things he shouldn’t really be thinking about.

It’d been a dream that kickstarted it, what started off as innocent escalated into Alex being the one sinking to his knees for him, from then, Will knew he was fucked. He woke up, cock aching as he realised how much he wanted that. He tried to deal with it - only found himself breathless with panic, and that was that.

Although it wasn’t really. Now that his head had gotten the idea, it was all he could think about, it was always there, lurking in the background like an itch he couldn’t scratch and he didn’t know what to do with it. He wasn’t going to do anything, that was the thing, but it was still there, a horrifying constant he couldn’t get rid of.

Despite everything though, things oddly went back to normal, Will’s head was still utterly fucked, but after James had cleared things up a bit and he’d actually managed to accept just slightly what was going on in his head, it was better.

Things weren’t quite as groundbreaking as he expected; he spent the weekend cooped up finishing up a video, then popped to the shops on Monday, and spent yesterday with the lads - it was all going well.

He’d stayed over on the sofa, ending up too drunk to find his way in the lift, George said he didn’t trust him to go up there without collapsing, which to be fair, was probably accurate. So he curled up, went to sleep, and got rudely awoken by Alex trying to make a fucking omelette.

“Who do you think you are? Bloody Mary Berry?” Will grumbled as Alex crashed around.

“She does cakes and shit, I’m like… I’m Jamie Oliver-”

“Oh great. Even better. At last Alex has abandoned us in favour of the great Jamie Oliver,” Will snorted, trying to rouse the energy to sit up.

He fucked around on his phone momentarily before Alex stormed in, proudly presenting a slightly burned omelette, Will couldn’t deny, it looked better than he expected.

“Here, now you’re awake you can help me eat this, bloody hate omelettes.”

“You what?” Will sat up, grinning - beaming, almost, “You don’t like omelettes but here you are at God knows what time making one? You’re worse than I thought Alex, maybe we need to get you to the doctor.”

Alex laughed softly, sitting himself down by Will’s head regardless, thrusting a spare knife and fork in his hand, “Eat up.”

Will couldn’t wipe the smile off his face, unreasonably happy to have Alex like this again - just, it felt comfortable, all the shit in his head aside, that was. It took him a while but he had managed to get himself out of constantly thinking about his unnecessary jealousy brought on by James’ shit plan and how it triggered a chain reaction of realisations he really could’ve done without.

Along with that, he’d done a good job of trying not to think of Alex in any way other than what they already had established. But thoughts slipped through the cracks, whenever Alex was sat like this, all chuffed and happy with what he had made, it was really hard not to think of him in any other way than pretty.

Just really fucking pretty.

Will felt himself blush; it wasn’t better knowing what the matter was with him, as now he had to deal with it, and he really wasn’t too fond of that.

“You gonna make me eat this alone, I didn’t sign up for this mister WillNE.”

Will grumbled, dragging his feet to the floor from where they were curled up and lifting his body vertical. Alex grinned at him, way too happy this early in the morning, also seemingly not hungover - it was a change, to say the least.

Nevertheless, Will shoved his fork in and they sat and watched shit daytime TV until they’d finished.

Then it all went a bit downhill, as it always did.

Alex left to go work on a project for a while and Will took the opportunity to figure out all the emails he’d been neglecting as he was too busy understanding why his head was fucked.

He was borrowing Alex’s laptop since he wasn’t going to deal with typing out emails on his phone. He’d cracked through a good half hours worth of emails before Alex came back in.

“Hey, can I find something quickly on my laptop? I saved this page I want to get a screengrab from for a video.”

“Course mate, go for it.” Will leant back, scrolling through his phone as Alex took the laptop off him. He looked up when he realised Alex was taking a bit of a while, “You found it alright?”

“Oddly no,” Alex hummed, frowning, “I swore I did save it, let me just have a look through my history quickly.”

Will hummed, watching Alex over his shoulder, scrolling through his history until a large chunk of recent tabs from an obvious porn site appeared on the screen. Alex coughed, not really helping his cause.

Will tried to ignore it, really tried, but it wasn’t going to happen, “Good night then fella?”

“Fuck off,” Alex clearly blushed, trying to scroll past it, but Will couldn’t drop it by this point, his head was thumping.

“There’s quite a bit of it there,” he hummed, leaning closer, helpless to do anything other than read the screen, heat rising as he did so, “Twink gets pounded by-”

“Will,” Alex sounded rather panicked, trying to shut the tab, eventually succeeding, leaving the air stiff and silent.

“I watched some the other night,” Will commented quietly, not really knowing where he was going or why he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

Alex’s shoulders were tense, “Did you now, shocking - WillNE watches porn.”

“No - uh… gay porn.”

Alex’s breath visibly shifted, Will didn’t know what he was doing.

“Oh. Right…”

Will wondered if he’d fucked it, he wouldn’t be surprised by this point. It’d been a bit of a roller coaster this past week. Within a fortnight he’d realised he was a bit too into the idea of fucking a lad, realised he fantasised a bit too much over that lad being his mate, had some sort of jealous rivalry with James that turned out to be bullshit, and now this.

He wasn’t really doing much to help himself.

“Enjoyed it, really,” Will added, his breathing a bit jolted as his lungs were slightly compromised by the conversation crushing down on his chest. “Wasn’t expecting to.”

“Oh.” Alex stumbled, “That’s nice, I think-”

“Yeah… do uh - do straight men enjoy that type of thing?” Will asked lowly, clenching his hands together.

Alex sighed, uncomfortable, “I mean, not in my experience… I don’t really know what you’re asking me, Will.”

“I think I’m a bit gay - bi, rather.”

“Right.” Alex shut the lid on his laptop, Will’s struggle to breathe wasn’t exactly getting any better.

“Yeah,” Will added.

“So was this the porn deciding this for you-”

“No um, I think it made it clearer,” Will spoke trying to think before he blurted anything else out that he really probably shouldn’t. “I’ve been thinking about it lately, just uh, been on my mind and all.”

“Okay.” Alex said softly, “And you’re alright?” 

“Not really mate,” Will stuttered, realising how desperately he just wants the aching in his chest to fuck off for a bit.

“Is there anything I can uh, help with-”

“What do you watch?” Will blurted out, refusing to turn around despite feeling Alex’s eyes heated on his face.

“You… uh, what?”

Will tried to play it off, “You know, like - is there anything I’m missing out on, or like, what do you watch that you’d recommend.”

Alex fidgeted as he stumbled through a reply, “I - I just watch whatever, you know. Same as you do to find straight porn?”

Will met his eyes, “But like, I’m new to this me, I’m - what am I looking for?”

“Whatever you’re into, I guess-”

“So what are you into?” Will’s throat was closing around the words, wringing his hands as he dug himself deeper into an inescapable hole. His skin was itching and his muscles were tense and it was just so fucking much.

“Jesus Christ - you want my porn recommendations?” Alex’s hands clenched around the length of his laptop, half joking but half serious. 

Will took in a harsh breath, “I mean… yes?”

“Right,” Alex said, slowly reopening his laptop as if he was opening a type of black hole that would end in destruction. Which to be fair, it might be.

Will suddenly realised how horrible of an idea this was, but it wasn’t like he was going to do anything about it - how could he? When he opened his gob he didn’t really think this was where it was going to lead, but his body felt on edge with anticipation, no matter how shit this was going to end up.

“So, uh…” Alex started, “Is this uh, general just gay porn help or-”

“Whatever you think,” Will coughed quietly, feeling every nerve on his skin that was touching Alex’s side.

“Will, um, are you sure about this?” Alex paused as his fingers were an inch from the keyboard, trying to smile but ending up with a bit of a pained expression instead.

“I mean, yeah” He tried not to sound as utterly scared shitless as he actually was, “As long as you’re on board yeah?”

Alex nodded, his fingers eventually typing into the search bar - not even on incognito, Will thought to say something, make the atmosphere a bit lighter but he couldn’t get his mouth to open. It was just all a bit much.

It all became a bit more real when a previous search result for a site came up, Will watched Alex’s face turn rosy pink as he stumbled, clinking through onto the site.

“Uh - this is what I use? I guess, if that’s what you’re looking for. It’s got the tabs and shit down the side and just click what you want-”

“I know how to use a porn site, I’m just…” Will tried to rationalise what he was doing, and really, he was never going to succeed. He was absolutely mental. But Alex was here and it was all just so much, and it wasn’t like he could just blurt out ‘I think I want to fuck you and somehow I think your taste in porn is hot’.

“Right, so just uh, a comprehensive gay porn advice list?” Alex smirked, obviously thinking this was a bit funny, and really, Will did too. But it was vitally clear that Alex was a bit bewildered by how this had escalated, and Will was too to be fair. He didn’t wake up thinking this was how he was going to spend his afternoon.

Will snorted, finding his feet, “I guess so then mate, whatever you think best.”

Alex seemed to appear spurred on by Will’s enthusiasm, eagerly finding his way down the tabs and finding a video called ‘Dirty talking facial comeshot’. He clicked on it, setting the laptop on his knees as if this was just a casual thing to do, and Will supposed it was, although normally he assumed someone wasn’t just sitting and watching.

“Very straight to the point, that,” Will commented, his head spinning already from where Alex paused the video on the first frame. A rather strapping lad had his cock out, another on his knees in front of him, looking already fucked to high heavens.

“Just how I like it,” Alex grins, making Will choke on his own saliva.

“Steady on man-”

“You’re the one who wanted to watch porn with me!” Alex tried to defend himself, Will realising how utterly fucked that sounded.

“Just-” Will didn’t really have a defence, so he just trailed off, feeling his cheeks heat up and his body tense.

Alex looked over, “Ready then mate?”

Will nodded, refusing to look anywhere other than the screen, knowing if he looked at Alex he’d be thoroughly done for.

Alex started the video, it was very straight to the point, and very hot. The young lad on his knees had his eyes big and round, looking up at the other bloke who was pulling himself off with one hand, other trailed into the kneeling man’s hair.

It was all just so much, the man with his cock out was spouting utter filth, talking about how much he wanted the young lad to take it, how much he wanted it, how desperate and eager he was. He watched how the lad nodded his head, his hands held behind his back as the man ended up teasing his lips with the head of his cock.

“Bloody hell,” Will breathed, not realising he’d spoken until Alex hummed in agreement.

It was just - he was so desperate and it was just all so much, and the sudden realisation that this was what Alex watched, what he enjoyed. That was just a step too far. He felt his shoulders curl inwards and his own cock stiffen, feeling heavy and thick. He felt his stomach tense as Alex shuffled and accidentally nudged him in the side.

Will’s hands were clenched and sweaty and before he knew it he was watching the man call the lad a ‘gorgeous needy whore’ before he came across his cheeks, spurts dropping down his face as the lad eagerly sucked his cock between his lips, licking the remnants off, moans spilling from his mouth.

The video ended and the heavy breathing that’d filled the air came to a dramatic standstill as the air felt thick and heavy and silent. Will felt frozen in his spot - Alex watched that, he fucking enjoyed that.

“Was that uh… was that alright?” Alex said quietly, Will felt himself drowning.

He took a deep breath, trying not to give away how devastating that truly was, “Uh, yeah - I uh… Yeah, that was good,” Will stuttered, his head pounding.

Alex hummed, seemingly unaffected - although Will could sense he was, the tension buzzing between them felt like lightning. He quickly clicked through another couple links, shutting the ads with a practised ease before finding another video. The title made Will freeze.

“It’s not - I don’t uh, I don’t watch this for that…” Alex said desperately, “It’s just - it’s good, that man’s good looking, you know?” As if he was trying to save himself from falling off a rather steep cliff, Will would know, he was already at the bottom.

“Daddy finger fucks twink-” Will stumbled, as if saying it aloud made it better - it didn’t.

“No, it’s…” Alex interrupted, “It’s just - it’s not that, okay? Please.”

Alex sounded a bit scared so Will dropped it, nodding his head as if he understood. It was one thing watching porn with him, it was another realising it was kinky porn.

“Bit filthy that is,” Will hummed, trying to make it better.

Alex nodded, Will looked over for the first time since they’d started this and saw Alex’s eyes clenched shut, his hands gripping the side of the laptop as if it was a safety boat.

“You alright?” Will asked gently, feeling completely out of his depth.

Alex’s eyes snapped open and met his, “Yeah, just a bit hot isn’t it?”

Will tried to lighten the mood, “If you’re trying to indicate I have a daddy kink I’m not having that-”

Alex laughed stiffly, “No, just - in general. Bit hot. I don’t think having a daddy kink is hot, if that’s what you’re thinking either-”

“I mean, it’d be alright if you did, I think,” Will snorted.

“I was trying to assist you with your gay crisis, I’m not having you think I have a daddy kink-”

“You’re the one showing me daddy porn-”

“It’s not, alright?” Alex snapped, biting his nails once he’d released the death grip on the laptop, “I mean… it is but that’s not the point - the way he like… tugs him around a bit, that’s why I watch it.”

“Right,” Will said, trying to get a grip on everything. He hated how riled up he was, how much his skin was itching, and how utterly devastating Alex was.

“We don’t have to watch it-”

“No, I want to,” Will interrupted, looking up at Alex, his cheeks pink and his bottom lip between his teeth. He was walking a fine line between being able to laugh this off and everything changing for good, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He wanted this, needed it, he supposed.

Alex clicked play; this one started when the daddy - Will thought to call him - walked in on the other lad studying, telling him he wanted his cock sucked. Straight to the point rather, Will told him just as much. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Alex said, voice trailing off as the lad sunk to his knees, fingers pulling at the guy's waistband to try and get to his cock.

The whole thing escalated rather quickly, the young man’s throat was fucked hard as the other man’s hands gripped his hair, roughly tugging him to take him further down.

Will would be lying if he said he wasn’t aching in his joggers, his cock was hard and his head was fucked and he could feel the tension shooting off Alex, only disguised by the rough voice on the screen telling the lad how good he’s been.

“Not sure about them moves,” Will started, coughing in an attempt to lighten the heavy aura squeezing at his throat, “Should’ve left him to study and that, then got him to suck him off. Education is important and all.”

Alex huffed a laugh, “Is rather, ‘s good though.” He shuffled, knocking the screen so it lay across Will’s thigh as well.

“Yeah, is a bit,” Will confessed, making Alex’s eyes snap up to his face, feeling heat flood through his chest.

“Bi then, yeah?” Alex said, softly, a complete juxtaposition to the rough moans echoing through the room in front of them.

“Guess so,” Will breathed, his thoughts clouded. The man came heavy down the lad's throat, his eyes big and accepting as he was praised. “So uh - where’s the finger fucking?”

Alex choked, “It’s coming up, no need to get so excited-”

“I’m not,” Will defended stubbornly, “I’m just… never really thought about that before.”

“It’s good,” Alex said softly, the scene switching to another scenario where this poor bloke was studying again, this time lying on his front, legs kicking with a book in front of him - it was all very staged but utterly soul-crushing nonetheless.

“What is?” Will asked, not really thinking clearly.

“Getting fingered.”

Suddenly Will couldn’t breathe, it all happened rather fast. His head was rushed with pictures and thoughts all centring around Alex and fingers and it was all just too much. He opened his mouth to say something but he couldn’t find the words, his body felt flushed and charged with thunder.

“Ah, fuck. Right.” Will eventually spat out weakly, “That happen often then?”

“Just when I can be bothered,” Alex hummed, the air heavy.

Will nodded, trying to disguise how close he was to breaking.

He was shocked away from his thoughts as a breathy moan broke loose from the screen, somehow he’d missed the part where the bloke snuck in, took the other lads jeans off and now had inserted a finger, slicking it in and out of his hole.

“Bloody hell,” Will said, feeling stiff with his cock aching - it must’ve been obvious.

Alex shuffled and breathlessly laughed, “Yeah, this is my favourite.”

Will didn’t really know what to do, all he knew was he was fucking hard and this was really fucking hot. It was pressing down on him like it was squashing him into pulp and he could barely see straight.

“This poor bloke and his textbooks though,” Will tried to laugh it off, “He’s never gonna get his degree at this rate.”

Alex hummed, “You’re saying you’d rather study than get fucked?”

“No -” Will stuttered, “I uh… I’m not sure about that bit me,” He trailed off, stumbling over his words as the man fucked him with a second finger, words slick and filthy pouring through the speakers.

Alex ignored him, sounding carefully considered, “Personally I’d choose that any day, the degree can wait.”

“What,” Will was just a bit breathless, to say the least, “You’re saying if someone walked in on you editing or some shit, you’d just be like ‘oh yes come here please, need some dick I do.’”

Alex hummed, way too composed considering Will was lost and sweating and the most turned on he’d been debatably ever. “Yeah, course, wouldn’t you?”

Will was grasping for words, coming up for air and finding none. His head snapped to look at Alex, finding his eyes already clear on him. There were thousands of unspoken words desperate to escape, but it was almost like time froze and they sat there accompanied by rough slapping of skin.

Before Will could respond, Alex blurted out, “Are you hard?”

Will felt soulless, as if Alex had ripped him open, “I - yeah,” he whispered, as if saying it loud would cause cracks to form.

“Can I suck you off?” Alex said softly, not wanting to scare Will away.

He could barely remember his own name, his flat number - anything really, besides Alex. He could see him clear as day. His eyes shining, bright and vibrantly blue as he tilted his shoulders to face him. Will was crumbling in front of him.

“Just to uh, see if you like it. Don’t have to.”

“I… If you want to,” Will said, as he was powerless to do anything else. It was as if the images that’d plagued him for weeks were sat in front of his eyes and he didn’t know it was going to be as utterly overwhelming as it was.

Alex’s face shone, his lips perking up into a smile, “You sure? You don’t seem that convinced.” He placed a palm on Will’s thigh, rubbing gently - it felt like a firecracker.

“No, please,” Will whispered, turning to look at the screen, finding the video had ended, “Oh.”

Alex moved it out of the way, replacing his hand on Will’s thigh the instant he was able. As he moved Will caught how hard he was in the corner of his eye, making his head spin as he realised how intensely he wanted this - anything he could take.

“Knees then, yeah?” Alex asked, as if nothing phased him, and really, why would it? Will was the one whose head was fucked over all this, he was the one who’d woken up in cold sweats with dreams of this stuck in his head, he was the one who liked his fucking mate. It wasn’t like just because that’s how he felt, Alex was the same.

“Whatever you think,” Will watched as Alex jumped onto his knees on the floor, eager and waiting as he knelt up to grip Will’s legs. “What do you uh - what do you want me to do?”

Alex gave him a confused look, “What do you mean? You’ve had fucking blowjobs before mate, I’ve heard about them-”

“Just like - do blokes want something different, I don’t want you to think this is shit.”

Alex shuffled, getting comfy as he ran his palms down Will’s thighs, “I wouldn’t,” he sounded far too sure, “I’ll let you know, but nothing’s different about this than normal besides the obvious.”

“Yeah, thanks, Al,” Will huffed, desperate and aching, “Very helpful.”

Alex snorted, moving his palm up to Will’s waistband, “This alright? You’re not gonna have a crisis and run off on me?”

“No… this is good.” His breath hitched as Alex’s cold fingers met his skin and tugged his joggers down, enough so to brush his hips, tugging him forward as he did so.

Will felt trapped - his head was a mess of words he should’ve said and things he shouldn’t be doing but his body was frozen solid. Will obliged, moving to the edge of the sofa, helping Alex tug his trousers down until they were loose around his thighs.

“Gonna touch you, alright?”

Will met Alex’s eyes, his ears echoing as he nodded, his fingers curling around his length, stroking him off far too gently for Will not to crumble. Alex’s eyes gazed over his body, Will felt his skin burn with the pressure of it all. His dick was red and burning and Alex was on his knees and cracks were forming and Will was clinging on to the fabric of the sofa for dear life.

Alex thumbed at his slit, Will felt his shoulders tense and flames alight in his stomach, deep and needy and demanding. He cursed, rubbing his hand across his face to try and hide from how destructive he knew this was.

Alex looked up, softly smiling, as if he was trying to reassure him it was okay. Will couldn’t tell if he knew he was panicking and whether he knew what over. He didn’t dare give it any thought, he couldn’t even if he wanted to.

Will heard Alex’s voice, but he didn’t hear what he said, his ears were ringing and his head was hazy and it was just so fucking much. Before he knew it Alex was leaning up on his knees and licking the head of his cock before wrapping his lips around it, toying with a gentle pressure that made Will’s whole body shiver.

It was just so intense. He couldn’t feel anything besides the points where him and Alex met, his body thrumming with desperation and desire. Alex must’ve sensed it, he let his hand shift to the base of his cock and let his deep pink lips curl down, taking him into his mouth.

Will moaned desperately, only realising it was him when the sound vibrated in his ears. “Fucking hell,” he whispered, causing Alex to double his efforts, licking down his length and bobbing his head and giving Will a headache.

He looked so pretty, that was the problem, his jaw was sharp and his hands were bracing himself as he sucked Will off, desperate and hard. It was a complete change to the softness of a girl or just anything - it was utterly shattering. His whole world was collapsing before his eyes and all he could do was watch.

Alex took his mouth away, giving Will the chance to breathe, “Think I’m close… fuck - I uh, sorry-”

“No you’re good,” Alex muttered, eagerly reattaching his mouth, his hand tugging him off as he matched the pace of his mouth.

Time froze as Will came, Alex’s mouth was warm and tight and his hands were cold but firm as he held his cock and pressed at his hips. Will felt sparks through his ribs as he came; hearing Alex whine sent him over the edge, his entire body feeling tense and harsh as Alex swallowed happily around his length.

He could barely breathe, his eyes were clenched shut and his fingers were stuck in fists and he wanted everything and more but his head couldn’t take it. The silence fell thick as Alex pulled off him, Will felt him touching his thighs and heard the shuffle as he tried to rearrange his limbs on the floor.

Will’s head felt cloudy and grey, his brain tangled in knots, tugging tight with refusion to think of anything. He felt numb and he felt alive and everything in between.

“Will, open your eyes mate,” Alex encouraged gently, Will couldn’t respond, not even shake his head. It was as if the moment he opened his eyes his world would fall apart.

He felt Alex move to his feet, touching him constantly, anchoring him as he sat next to him again on the sofa. He let Alex help him lift his bum and pull his joggers back up; as if nothing happened.

But it did.

“It’s okay you know,” Alex tried to whisper, his voice fucked and heavy - it only made it worse.

“It’s not really mate.”

“It is,” He pressed, putting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him into his side. Will let himself be guided, unable to move on his own accord.

He opened his eyes when his head was rested on Alex’s shoulder, feeling lifeless and heavy. Everything looked shiny and clean and bright and Will felt anything but. He just wanted to cry, if he was honest.

“Nothing's changed, if that’s what you’re thinking about,” Alex hummed, seemingly calm despite the fact Will knew he was almost definitely still hard, not that he could do anything about it, his limbs were frozen solid, “Liking lads isn’t that special.”

It was then Will twigged that Alex thought his crisis was caused by his sexuality. It somehow made it worse. Alex didn't’ know how he thought about him, he didn’t realise and that made Will feel sick.

He didn’t know what to do, his desperation had worn off and it’d all come crashing down on him, squashing him, pressing his bones together until they felt like they were going to break.

“I’m alright,” Will broke through the air. “Just a lot to take in.”

“That’s understandable to be fair, mate, not like you just had your first gay experience or nothing.”

Will snorted, feeling himself sink into burning flames, “Not wrong there, thanks though - I think, I don’t know-”

“You’re alright mate,” Alex hummed, “If it helps, by now I was already running out in tears after my first gay experience.”

“Good to know,” Will laughed, “Was it bad? Your first gay experience, that is.”

“Nah, rather good really, just a lot to take in as you said, so if you’re freaking out a bit that’s okay.”

Will sighed, wishing he could voice everything and wishing he never had to speak again, “Thanks mate, appreciate it.”

After a few moments had passed, Alex reached over Will’s lap and grabbed the remote, flicking the TV onto some mindless shit to fill the silence. He sat back, guiding Will’s head back to his shoulder, stroking through the ends gently as he kicked his feet up on the table.

Will felt so small and unsure, but so safe. He was just scared, pure terror filled his muscles over everything, he just wanted it all to be okay, and it might and all go back to usual when Will didn’t want to stay curled up with Alex for the foreseeable, or he might have to run off to Iceland and start a new life. He didn’t know.

It didn’t matter then though anyway, Alex’s hands were soft and gentle combing through his hair, lulling Will’s eyes shut again as a false laughter track ran through the TV screen. He was asleep before he could realise what was going on, his head heavy on Alex’s shoulder, his hands curled up to his chest, stuck between their bodies and his breaths even against his shoulder.

\--

He woke up dazed, his body heavy and drained. He didn’t panic immediately, it took a while for his head to kick into gear, realise Alex was missing and he now had a blanket tucked around his sides.

It was all a bit much really.

Will’s head was thumping - he assumed it was partly that he was still hungover and partly that everything swirling around with Alex suddenly became quite real.

He wanted desperately to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t. It was all flooding back to him piece by piece, ribs constricting as he realised what’d happened. Alex had made him come, he’d had a minor breakdown and then fell asleep on his shoulder. And Alex watched daddy porn.

It was like everything made sense but not together, maybe Will did feel jolts of electric run through his bones at the thought of Alex sucking him off, but maybe he wasn’t comfortable with the sparks that followed. He’d had a taste and he wanted more.

He could never have more, but he ached for it. It’d all become tangible - not just a figment in his imagination, something a little too out of reach, now it was in his palms, delicate and close to shattering between his fingers.

Will didn’t know where Alex was, he didn't know if that was a good thing or not. Waking up next to him wouldn’t have done him any favours, that would’ve been too much, he needed to process it all, if he could. But instead, now he wondered where he’d gone and whether he was having his own breakdown or whether it was just another day for him.

Either way, Will was cracking and crumbling and every time he managed to rebuild, it came down twice as fast, he supposed worst come to worst he could book that ticket for Iceland and that’d be that.

Before Will could figure out his new life in Iceland, Alex came through the front door with George in toe.

“Oh hey mate, you feeling alright? Went a bit heavy last night,” George said, looking a bit worse for wear himself.

Will dragged himself to sit up, trying not to focus on how lovely Alex looked with his fluffy hair and coat pulled tight. “Did a bit but I think I’m alright actually, you however, you look a right state.”

“Don’t mock a man when he’s down Will, that’s not very nice,” Alex said beaming, causing Will to look at him in the end, finding a smile playing at his lips the instant he did so.

He couldn’t find it in him to argue, his head was all over the place, “Alright alright, very sorry George, you look proper dapper and all that.”

George nodded, rolling his eyes, heading to the kitchen to flick the kettle on.

“Are you actually alright though mate?” Alex asked gently, hanging his coat up as he spoke. Will assumed he was talking about last night, the glint in his eye - more worried, than teasing - said it all.

Will sighed, “Think so,” He shuffled, kicking his legs out and picking at the edge of the blanket. “Nice of you to sort me out though - with blankets and that, I mean.”

“Course, you looked bloody knackered,” he laughed softly, “Just hope it wasn’t too much to take in, it all escalated a bit and all.”

It was, in all fairness, but Will didn’t think he could express why, so he didn’t bother trying, “Nah it was good yeah? Are you okay though, sorry if it all got a bit-”

“No don’t be sorry, Christ… it was good, not had a shag in a while so letting off steam was nice,” Alex whispered, Will assumed it was not to let George hear.

“You didn’t get off though,” Will said, matching his tone, trying not to let his voice shake through his words, “I should’ve really helped instead of falling asleep on your shoulder.”

“No worries man, I got myself sorted after. Didn’t expect you to anyway though-”

“Alex, where have you stuck the fucking tea bags?” George called out, interrupting, causing Alex to shuffle out into the kitchen, grumbling as he went.

Will felt his sleep hazy head catch up slowly, finally dawning on him that Alex got off after he fell asleep. It scared him how much he wished he would have watched or been there, made his core shake with how badly he wanted that.

He thought it would’ve been enough, thought it would’ve been over and done with once he’d had a shag or whatever, but it was almost like his brain had more ammunition.

“George made you some tea,” Alex returned with two cups, “He’s gone to finish a video, I swear that man never fucking stops.”

“Ah, nice of him that,” Will smiled, watching Alex sort himself out, putting his keys down, taking his phone out of his pocket, picking up his mug again before sitting down next to him.

Will shuffled to the side, making space, feeling awfully reminiscent of prior events that threatened to tear him apart. It was like Alex sensed it though, and although he didn’t truly realise the full extent of it, it helped that he knew he was feeling off about something.

“All good then, yeah?” Alex said, genuinely sounding concerned as he sipped his tea, eager to make sure Will was alright.

It did something to Will’s stomach that he wasn’t sure he was happy with, “Yeah promise, it definitely uh, confirmed things in my head, it’ll just take time for it to sink in you know?”

“Course yeah, I’m glad it confirmed things though, that’s something,” Alex said smiling, his face kind - unsettling. “And uh… if you need to do anything again, to see if you like it or figure yourself out just say so.”

Will felt his body jolt; he was so utterly fucked. He didn’t want to agree, just on principle, but he ached for it. Something in him had been discovered and it wouldn’t leave him alone, emotions and sexuality and just - it was all fucking intense.

“Just like - a gay experiment, if you needed someone to test on since it was good and all,” Alex added softly, as if he didn’t care either way.

“I uh - Are you sure?” Will hesitated, torn between what he should do and what he wanted to do.

Alex just looked so pretty when he nodded, that was the problem.

“Alright then,” Will found himself saying, involuntary but truthful. He felt his body flinch as he agreed, he just needed something more and he knew it wasn’t fair on Alex, thinking it was figuring out his sexuality when really he wanted more than he could offer.

It wasn’t fair. But will did it anyway. His chest aching as Alex grinned.

Will knew he was fucked. He wanted more, he was always wanting more. He felt like everything was crumbling before his eyes, and he was clinging on, trying to fix what was already falling.

It was never going to work, he knew that, but he was powerless. Powerless and hopeless and desperate for something that was never going to be on the cards.


End file.
